i'm just sayin'

let me explain

so…

i stayed up until 2am sunday morning reading ‘the irresistible revolution’ by shane claiborne.  i haven’t finished it, but what i was reading was this guy’s journey to calcutta to hang out with mother theresa and further her work there.  and i’m going, what am i doing here!?  with all this stuff!?

then i went to church, and had one of those moments where you can’t make the tears stop coming, even though you feel like you really don’t want to be crying.  then one of the pastors invited me over for pancakes, and as we were waiting for the others to arrive with bacon, i just started talking.

i barely know this woman, and i spilled to her all about my journey this summer and the way i feel unsettled having what i have and how i want to do something good and beautiful and i don’t know what it is.

she said she’s felt that way too, and seems to be in the middle of the “what do i do with all this passion?” mental fight.  she also said she thinks that some people’s paths is to give up everything they own, and some people’s paths is to use what they have to reach out.  because if everyone gave up everything they owned, the economy would just crumble.  which, i suppose, is true, but then what about when Jesus tells us to sell everything?  i dunno.  this is something i’m still working out, i guess.

the plan for right now is to wait.  and to buy responsibly.  and to live life.

which i think means cutting back on work hours.  i need some kind of sabbath.  ie:  not.working.sundays.  i just can’t do it anymore.  i must rest.  this is why i get things like the flu.

in conclusion (i almost typed confusion…freudian slip?), life is good.  i am making friends in the city, and hope i can spend more time with people in the future.  i’m kind of kicking myself for not holding out for some kind of 9-5 gig because this nights/weekend thing makes my heart sad.  i love Jesus.